Friday, March 23, 2012

Tweets of the Week: 23 Mar 12

Howdy Fellow Bloggerators. It's been a busy time around the Chirpersphere and, as always, I've tried to dig up the best and brightest nuggets of awesome so you don't have to. So, without further delay, allow me to present the latest installment of CM's

TWEETS OF THE WEE..edgads!...uh....LOOONG TIME*:

 @quarkon: 99 bugs in the legacy code, 99 bugs in the code. Take one down, pass it around. 102 bugs in the legacy code.

@geardrops: I like dreams because I ate a lot of donuts and didn't gain weight. Also a bundt cake.

@dramacjc: I admire anybody who has the guts to write anything at all.--E. B. White

@Lord_Voldemort7: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Time waster.

@Epic_Women: Don't think outside the box. Think like there is no box.

@simsea: I flirted with not using the Oxford comma for a bit once. It was a young experimental phase. It didn't last.

@Kitiandra: When worry and doubt start to nag at your head...there's always chocolate i suppose.

@JohnathanGunson: For my friends. In case we all forget the number one reason for success: PERSISTENCE.

@whedonesque: Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, know... shoot 'em. " Zoe: "Shoot 'em?" Mal: "Politely."

@licecomb: Swore I heard a faint "ahhhh yeahhh" after my grapefruit squirted me in the face.
           (blogger's note: this one made me snort-laugh my coffee)

@KMWeiland: "Writers need to remember that once the book leaves their hands, it's not theirs anymore. It belongs to its readers..."-Tobias Wolff

@AdviceToWriters: If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. STEPHEN KING

@AbielleRose: Hello surprise nap, I love you, too.

@DavidRoads: You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. -James D. Miles

@LtCampollo: Warriors by day, lovers by night, professionals by choice & Marines by the grace of God! hooraa!
           (blogger's note: Semper Fi, Marines)

@anamariecox: Fav quote of 2012, besides those moon-related: "I think you can expect advisers to think that the work of advisers is very, very important."

@jamesscottbell: In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. - Jeff Bezos

@KellyMeding: Confident choices are sometimes very easy to make. Other times they're quite difficult and you never stop second-guessing yourself.

@AncientProverbs: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Plato

@Saint_Upid: Only people w/ exoskeletons should be writers. Because they would hear the artillery of criticism land & casually remark, "What was that?"

@dribbleglass: If I hear one more person say, "It is what is is," my new motto is going to be "I strangle who I strangle."

@ZacharyLevi: Turmoil in life can often be the most fertile ground for positive change.

@Laughbook: What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commit.
           (blogger's note: the most accurate Twitter tweet, ever.)

@calamityjamie: Listening to my mom lecture my Aunt: "Gamers are good people, Candy! I went to the convention-thing, and they are so polite and fun."

@amergina: Some days, I want to shoot the person who said that the word "was" indicates passive tense.

@TaherehMafi: no one ever tells you that 86% of writing a book is staring at walls, spinning in your chair, & talking to yourself in a british accent.

@DavidRoads: You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could & should do for themselves. -Abraham Lincoln

@FreshFiction: So true "The only place you'll find success before work is in the dictionary. -Vince Lombardi"

@Colin_Hanks: When you really get right down to it, being the man of the house really only means one thing: breaking down ALL the card board boxes.

@Inspired_Ones: Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. -Vince Lombardi

@DavidRoads: Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

@vscotttheauthor: "Live as brave men and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts." Cicero

@4KidLit: Don't annoy science fiction writers. These are people who destroy entire planets before lunch. Think of what they'll do to you. ~John Scalzi

@AuthorMJFifield: I find it rather irritating when people are out for their Sunday drives on a Saturday.
           (blogger's note: word!)

@Georg_Grey: Black holes are where God divided by zero.

@AuthorMJFifield: How come going to the mall is never as much fun as Robin Sparkles makes it out to be?

@geardrops: I am drinking a drink and it is a lot of Kraken.

@whedonesque: Zoe: "Captain will come up with a plan." Kaylee: "That's good. Right?" Zoe: "Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans."

@misterkristoff: Authors: Nobody cares about your book like you do. Not agents, not publishers, not your mum. YOU are always its greatest advocate.

@HillaryJacques: I hope that Heaven is like Firefly.
             (blogger's note: *sigh* me too)

@Papa_Kosh: Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I hate raisins.

@GodFadr: Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

@scooterchicken: Dear Brownie, If you are not ooey, gooey, and fudgey you are not a brownie. You are short, unfrosted chocolate cake. Thank you, Me

@Sports_Greats: Pain is nothing compared to what it feels like to quit. -Unknown

@Colin_Hanks: Bad ass "olde tyme" medical quote of the day as said by a doctor: "I know of no other way than knife"

@geardrops: Me: I'm debating going. This WFC is in America, next one isn't. - MrMike: I thought it was in Toronto. - Me: Fine, America Junior.

@SandyBoynton: Clarification of tenses: N. twitter V. to tweet Past tense: twert Colloquial past: done twut Rhetorical imperfect: lest he have twüt

@vscotttheauthor: RT : Freedom is not free, but the U.S. Marine Corps will pay most of your share. ~Dolan

@vscotttheauthor: RT : Happy birthday, John Williams. Thks 4 Imperial March; making even simple walk down corridor a procession of epic badassery.

@Regan_Summers: The best part of this synopsis? "And suddenly, hey, otter!"
          (blogger's note: people, THIS is the reason to follow her and buy her books.)

@LGwenn: Had a great time at the shoot...but I think someone stole my pink latex skirt.

@JensBookshelf: I think my neighbours are judging me for my overgrown lawn. Can't wait to see their faces when the rusted car body is delivered tomorrow.

@DeathStarPR: Cool lightsabers are red / Lame ones are blue / Darth Maul has no Valentine / But needs reservations for two.

@thinkgeek: Roses are , violets are , all my base are belong to you. Happy <3 Day! --'--,--{{@
@DeathStarPR: Roses are red / Millenium Falcons are white / You love me? I know. / That's why I got encased in Carbonite.

@JensBookshelf: I wish I had a twin so i could be the evil one. I mean I *could* be evil on my own but it seems less exciting.

@inVinceWil: I am the river / waiting to be collected / inside the raindrop

@vscotttheauthor: Sad but probably true RT : "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading"
@kjhass: "Doozies" is a word. Origin: The nickname of the Duesenberg automobile, which was poshiest thing on wheels in its day. Duesy.

@WomenOfHistory: In life you are either a passenger or a pilot, it's your choice. -Unknown

@RobDyerS4C: Never compare your journey with someone else's. Your journey is your journey not a competition :).

@jaymgates: Via , for and RT : "The simplest explanation is usually Batman." - Arkham's Razor

@DeathStarPR: if you say, "I know" after she says she loves you, then she comes to rescue you from Jabba's Palace anyway.

@AuthorMJFiField: Sarcasm may not become me but it does sustain me.
             (blogger's note: ahahahaha!!!)

@SteveUmstead: My son's parting shot as he walked out the door to school: "If 666 is considered evil, is 25.8069 the root of all evil?"

@GeorgeTakei: As a fan told me, "To err is human. To arr is pirate."
              (blogger's note: for those not following George, he makes Chirper worthwhile)

@AbielleRose: Only my family would find it funny to watch an aunt take off her prosthetic boob and smack her son with it.
               (blogger's note: Winner of the February WTFLOL Award)

@scadam_skirata: Snooki is pregnant with a due date of December 21, 2012. Well played Mayans. Well played.

@senderblock23: NEWS: scientists discover that doves can't cry. Prince stripped of high school diploma.

@SheviStories: BTW, it takes the average published writer 10 years to get a first book pubbed. That's a lot of rejection along the way.

@canadian_jane: A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

@SuzBrockmann: “: Had dinner with Mr. Quinto last night. Always a great pleasure. LLAP Young Spock.” Only thing better than Spock = 2 Spocks.

@DeathStarPR: There's never a bad time to tell your kids you love them/chop off one of their hands and tell them you're their father.

@ImTracyMorgan: iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > Blackberry

@JuliaLizzBeth: Talent greases the wheel, but doesn't turn it. A writer's wheel turns on courage, self-confidence, perseverance, patience, humility, etc.

Note: As with all TotW, time is very fluid. Also, all tweets are occasionally as they appear in my feed to include RT credits (when able), trends, misspells, poor punctuation, lies, my preciouuuuss, come along Mr. Frodo, and one does not simply walk into Mordor.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Holy Cow!

The bottom level of my office building is in the process of a major renovation intended to update the bland, beige architecture of 40 years ago to something more modern. Inch by inch, the Powers That Be are replacing the drab of yester-year with blinding LED lights, explosive colors, and unicorns*. But the thing that has been getting the most attention isn't the decor, but the food court. Being offered double the number of eating establishments that we had before, the lines during the lunch hour have been staggering.

And today, the fooding** experience got EVEN crazier.

Lemme caveat this by saving that I love meat. I'm a carnivore and will hammer down a steak or burger with gleeful delight. Not that I don't respect the vegetarians, vegans, and other dietary people out there because I do. Big time. It's just that I have a very passionate love affair with red meat.

Apparently, so do elebenty-billion other people because the entire building has been overrun with talk about the new burger joint that opened today. "Have you ever eaten there?" "There is one near my house." "My kids love the fries." "Someone please unlock the bathroom." Etc.

Most of the chatter was just white-noise until a co-worker returned from his lunchtime trek with a huge, greasy bag. I'll admit, it smelled fantastic until he mentioned how the employee handed him a ticket with Order #372 and they were only on Order #63. It took almost an hour for them to get him his fast food.

Of course, I HAD to see the insanity for myself, so I trotted downstairs, rounded the corner, and stopped cold.  The Great Line was somewhere between "LOLWhut" and "Redonkulous".

What's even more mind-boggling is that my friend, and I suspect many other patrons, will stay a little later this evening to make up the time they spent standing.

In Line.

For a hamburger.

Seriously, people, it's just a burger. Cow, two buns, ketchup, done. Nothing overly complicated with that math. But one look at the line and you'd think the meat could cure colds, complete your taxes, or grant you three wishes.

Realistically, it's just the novelty of Something Different. Having dined at each establishment several times, I can understand the appeal of a new place, but until the Burger Craze dies down, I have little interest in their meat-on-a-bun. Especially if it means having to make up the time.

Unless it really does grant wishes, in which case, order up!

*Okay, maybe the lights aren't that bright.... 

**It is SO a word!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Unintentional Hilarity

For Christmas, CobraMrsFit renewed my subscription to a men's magazine that I enjoy*. Unbeknownst to me, there was also a free gift (gym bag) that came with the renewal. Being the loving spouse that she is, she was all a-quiver to replace my current gym bag which passed its prime sometime in college.

Yesterday, the package arrived with the following note (which is literally copied word-for-word here):

"Dear Reader,

Thank you very much for your order.

Unfortunately, the free gift we described in the promotion is not longer available.

We're sending you the enclosed item - which is one of our reader's favorites - as a substitution. We hope you'll find it interesting and useful, as this gift is similar to the product in the promotion.

If you have an questions, please contact us through e-mail at [redacted], by writing to [also redacted], or calling [aaaaand redacted].

We hope you enjoy this gift.


Etc, etc, etc."**

There are two reasons why this note caused my bride and I to collapse into tears of laughter.

1) It's about as generic as you can get. Seriously, Magazine Guys? I know that you have thousands of customers, but you couldn't print my name at the top to make me feel like I wasn't just Some Reader? After all these years, I thought we had something special!

2) The line: "We hope you'll find it interesting and useful, as this gift is similar to the product in the promotion." Why, you may ask? Because the gift they sent was this:

Why yes, Magazine People, I do find a plastic water bottle interesting and useful! Not only that, it is soooooo similar to a gym bag, I can hardly tell the difference.*** A $40 gym bag vs $2 water bottle? Different shades of gray, apparently.

The question I have is: Who in the world looked at the two and went, "Meh, close enough"?

I know this was a generic replace-like-for-not-even-close thing that wasn't intended to be hilarious. Ironically, instead of being disappointed, we laughed ourselves sick last night and want renew the subscription again, actaully right now, just to see what parallels they try to draw this time. If the bag-to-bottle ratio is any indication, I might wind up with a worn shoelace instead of a sexy personal trainer named "Tiffany".

*Not THAT one! A gym and heath one. Sheesh!

**I'm keeping the note, by the way. I might even have it framed along with the photo of the water bottle. 

***If by "similar" you mean that it's something that I might use at the gym. FYI, I also use running shoes, weights, and stationary exercise machines, all of which would be lovely substitutes next year when we renew.