Shelley Watters' Twitter Pitch competition is on! Two days (April 1st and 2nd) for contestants to post and critique each other on their Twit-Pitch Queries, then final entries entered on April 3rd. Winner receives a full manuscript request from Suzie Townsend of Fine Print Literary Management while runners up get query reviews from the host herself.
My draft entry is below. Best of luck to everyone involved and let’s have 140 characters of fun!
Twit-Pitch Query:
The Basics:
Title: Undead Chaos
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 82,000
The Pitch v1.2 (138 characters): - With new and improve edits thanks to excellent reviewers!
When Marcus beheads a zombie, he inadvertently frames an innocent man, falls in lust, and battles a scheme to unite Humanity by bloodshed.
Word Count: 82,000
The Pitch v1.2 (138 characters): - With new and improve edits thanks to excellent reviewers!
When Marcus beheads a zombie, he inadvertently frames an innocent man, falls in lust, and battles a scheme to unite Humanity by bloodshed.
The Pitch v2.1 (138 characters): - Tweaked once again per comments.
For Marcus, beheading the zombie is easy. The fallout: an innocent framed, lust, and thwarting a scheme to destroy Humanity, not so much.
I was about to make a couple of tiny tweak suggestions and refreshed the page and saw your v2.0. And you've already got it covered.
ReplyDeleteI think you can say 'kills a zombie' and 'frames an innocent man', but overall I love the concept and it sounds like a book I'd read. Most unique story idea I've found today ^_^
Great job and best of luck!
This is a great pitch. Just a thought, you may want to simplify the words to make it zing a bit more.
ReplyDeleteWhen Marcus kills an undead, he wrongly frames an innocent man, discovers a twenty year conspiracy, and struggles to save reality.
That's 130 spaces but I don't understand the end bit about saving reality. His reality? What is he saving exactly? I'm unclear. I'd clarify it and show us higher stakes.
I hope this helps and good luck! :D
I think you have a great start. I like the present tense of the second version better than the future tense of the first version, but I am confused about the conflicts. I think it's good that you edited out "fall in lust, burn down a bar" because it didn't really express the main purpose of your story.
ReplyDeleteI really like this pitch. The only thing I would change is "in vain." I would omit it because it makes things seem kind of hopeless.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
I liked it. Beheading a zombie is always a good way to start!
ReplyDeleteI'm in the contest too!
Ooh interesting. I'd love to find out how all those things are related.
ReplyDeleteI love it. It feels like a winner. I'd used zombie instead of undead (because undead could be vampires, and many agents are avoiding vampires like vampires avoid daylight and garlic :)
ReplyDeleteI like number one better, because it's got the lust and bar references, which make it sound like a crazier and action packed story. Number two sounds tight, but pale in comparison (to me).
I think that the first is much better! I agree about the zombie- undead can mean many things.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I think if you combine the second one with the ending of the first (I love the mystery of the 20-year old secret!) this could be a winner!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
What about a mix of version 1 and 2...
ReplyDeleteWhen Marcus beheads a zombine, he inadvertently frames an innocent man and uncovers a 20-year secret...
This gives you 40 more spaces to flush out the secret a bit more.
I like it but it begins to sound like a list
ReplyDeleteI like the first one. It's more clear, and makes for a more interesting combination. All the best.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, I like both of them...can we combine them?
ReplyDeleteMuch obliged to everyone so far for the comments. Tweaked v.2 based on some recommendations. I may play with v.1 later. Best of luck to you all.
ReplyDeleteI liked both as well. I would try to combine them as the others said. Sounds like an action packed book. Good job.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck as well.
The first one. Love the bar reference. If humor isn't in your book, I might can it, otherwise it's great. I didn't get the reality part though...
ReplyDeleteOh I love the first one. You could probably lose "inadvertently." I like the second one too, but I think the first pops and shows more voice ;o) Great job!!
ReplyDeleteI honestly like the first one better. I think changing the 20-year secret to be a little less vague would really make it pop. I love the combo of beheading zombies and falling in lust.
ReplyDeleteWith a few tweaks this will be awesome. Great job and good luck with the contest!
I liked the first version better. It had more character. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the first one a lot. But if you want to use the 2nd one, I think the last sentence could be better just by using dashes:
ReplyDeleteThe fallout- an innocent framed, lust, and thwarting a scheme to destroy Humanity- not so much.
Good job! I love a good urban fantasy.
Don't mean to jump on the bandwagon, but I like the first one, too. It is more action-packed and flows better.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a cool story! I like the first one. The second one sounds just like another pitch I already read. I don't know who's came first.
ReplyDeleteI really like the first one because of the voice. I have a sense of what the book is going to feel like - "falls in lust" is great! Where I get a bit lost is "battles a scheme to unite Humanity by bloodshed", so I think you have that better in the second. You are doing well here. Maybe accidentally rather than inadvertently?
ReplyDeleteGreat job. Thanks for your comment on mine!
Good luck!
I think the second one has more voice but the first one is a bit clearer. If I had to pick, definitely the second. Voice is important! Interesting story, too.
ReplyDeleteGreat job. I like #1. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment about my Twitter pitch. I wrote a new one if you want to check it out.
HMG
Personally, I like version 2.1. I like the voice of it better than the other.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for taking the time to check out and comment on my pitch. It's much appreciated Best of luck!
M.J. Fifield
My Pet Blog
I agree with the rest who said 2 has voice but 1 is clearer. Also, I've seen several pitches with lists, so I think #1 will stand out more.
ReplyDelete